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20.05.12

I'm at the corner of Woodbine Avenue and Queen Street with my friend Geoff who lives in south Riverdale. We're waiting for the Woodbine bus to take us to the subway and we've decided to make a friendly wager on whether the bus will stop in front of him or me. It was only a buck so it was no big deal but we did it because we had been talking about the government's plan to overhaul gambling in Ontario. The proposal recommends two new casinos in the Greater Toronto Area, expanding the number of locations that sell lottery tickets and expanding online gambling. The province makes about $1.9 billion a year from gaming, which isn't bad but Geoff and I think we have some ideas that could more than triple that amount. First off, let's start by putting slot machines in every subway car, streetcar and bus. It would be a lot more exciting than looking out the window and not only would it give the province more money, but the TTC could pay for all its expansion plans in no time. We also thought they should put slot machines in beer and liquor stores. I mean if you're going to spend money on one vice, why not double the trouble by adding a one-armed bandit? All cars made in Ontario should have a factory-installed OLG machine that lets you know the odds of beating that yellow light before it turns red. You'd pay the government its share each year when you renew your license. I think the government should encourage cellphone companies to install apps so people can bet on calls such as the number of times your in-laws call complaining you're not good enough. Or how many texts will you get that have absolutely no punctuation; or better yet how many phone messages will you receive from your daughter asking you for more money. Starting in nursery school, children should be allowed to bet on things like who will be the first kid to get a detention. Or who will be the first teen to drive the teacher insane. Needless to say, gaming tables should be in math classes starting in Grade 1 so our children can learn to count not only numbers but also cards. At the university level, experiential philosophy classes should have baccarat tables so students can do a critical study on winning and losing just like they would if they were doing a paper on Rousseau or Kierkegaard. So the possibilities for making a ton of money from gambling are endless, or to be more specific about a billion to one. By the way, the Woodbine bus stopped in front of Geoff so I'm out a buck. Next time double or nothing.

Source: insideTORONTO.com